Yvonne Said:

Does this question your stance on abortion?

We Answered:

of course this little girl should have an abortion, the years of abuse alone will have done her lasting harm, let alone trying to make her carry a baby, she is too young and immature.

Pearl Said:

My heart is breaking for a child?

We Answered:

I adopted an amazing child through an agency dedicated to something called Open Adoption. The social worker, in the initial training we did, mentioned that straight couples need to "mourn the loss of their fertility" when dealing with adoption. It is a very complex system of feeling loss, letting go of your expectations, and facing the crazy pressure heteros deal from their families. If you are from a more traditional background, you experience a pressure even more pronounced. You also have to deal with the loss of thinking that your children have to be from your own blood.

Since i am a gay man, and definitely not straight, listening to what you are going through makes me want to help you get a bit more "queer" so you can breathe a bit more freely. It is apparent to me you could be coming to terms with the loss of your capacity to have children naturally, and dealing with the sadness and pain that implies. In your case you seem to be dealing also with the psychological ramifications of an abortion. My heart goes out to you, because it seems real and justified. I hope you can find a way to heal and get lots of TLC. You may be ready now, since your crying seems to match your profoundly difficult experiences. Maybe you could get extra support, in a group setting for infertile parents or for women who had to undergo and abortion. Your feelings are not unusual or weird in your situation.

There is light on the other side. Once you understand that process a bit more, you will realize that letting go of being a biological parent liberates you to be a parent in the many other ways that our society has invented for so many years. I think that Open adoption is the way to go.

CONS: None. facing your prejudices, maybe, I had to face mine.

PROS: Complete medical history, if your kid asks you a question about their ancestry you pick up the phone and let them ask it from their birth parents (we are in touch with his mom and grandma, and we love them), no shame or dark secrets lurking in the back of your kids identity, and you learn quickly to see that parenting is not about engendering a child, it is about giving love and bringing another human into the world with kindness, generosity, and compassion. Many times you can be there at the birth, like we were. I don't have to tell you what a mix of hard and awesome it is, since you already have a kid.

My son is a great person, and a source of delight! I love him so deeply it astonishes me. But, then, he is the most amazing little man. I feel privileged to have been given a chance to be his dad. I think of adoption in a more nuanced way now. Connecting with your painful experience of losing your previous child, you can think of this as an opportunity for balancing your loss by receiving a gift from the world. Corny, but real.

Raul Said:

A question about abortion?

We Answered:

No idea, but If I had to guess I would say the relationship is something like 80/20.
80% purely elective
20% for genetic reasons


But what the hell do I know?