Maurice Said:

is anyone interested in taking the time to read my scholarship application essay? i need opinions!?

We Answered:

its really good. just separate your paragraphs and add a few transitions.

Wayne Said:

Are u good at grammar? If u are, i NEED your help, please?

We Answered:

This is too conversational to be considered a great essay but you are studying nursing and not the English language so I think you'll do fine.
If you ever have anything you want editing in the way of fiction email me at pascha.belmont@gmail.com I would love to help.

Sally Said:

College essay! Please revise! Please give me a few ideas on how to make it better.?

We Answered:

So I just did some basic editing, corrected certain sentences, and moved some words around to make it flow better. I think it sounds like a great essay, the only problems I think you have are: the tangent you go on about a beauty shop (i think you should cut that out completely), and the last sentence should be more moving. Otherwise good job!
--------------------------------------…

I can still hear my peers in my fifth grade class explaining how they all wanted to be doctors, lawyers, teachers, basketball players, or somebody famous when they grew up. However, that was not me. Although I hadn't decided on a career to pursue yet, I knew that I eventually wanted to make something of myself and be successful in life.

Over the years, I have attended at least eleven different schools. Most of these changes were due to my family seeking medical treatment for my younger brother. I don't feel bitter about these adjustments, for I learned to cope and express myself through writing and poetry

Education is my biggest priority in my life right now. My objective is to complete college with a master’s degree in Health Care administration and to obtain a bachelor’s degree in Business. I understand that in college I will not have anyone there to push me, or make me strive to take advantage of my education. I’ll have to work and study on my own.

I have a strong passion for helping people. I love giving advice to my family, as well as my friends. I am currently working as a counselor at “The Epilepsy Foundation of NJ” in a program called “Out-N-About”. Our basic goal is to offer disabled teens and young adults with recreational and socialization opportunities. We take them bowling, shopping, to the movies, and many outings to restaurants. Working with disabled individuals has taught me a lot. It has taught me how to have patience and that even though they have a handicap, it does not mean that they are not capable of living like everyone else.

Becoming a Health Care Administrator has not always been a something I wanted to do with my life. I had formerly wanted to go to school for nursing but, because of my huge phobia of blood I figured I should major in the next best thing. Ever since my younger brother was diagnosed with cancer at an early age, I have always wanted to work in a hospital helping people that are not in good health. I also want to open up my own hair salon. I don’t plan to work in it; I just want to own it. Doing hair was something I have always done since I was about thirteen or fourteen years old. One of the reasons why I decided not to go to school for cosmetology is because, I easily get bored with doing hair. I plan to open up my first beauty salon in Georgia and then expand to different states across the East Coast.

I want to make a difference. I know I can, but first I need to learn how to use my mind more effectively. Over the past few years I’ve learned by watching my co-workers, friends, and family that in order for me to accomplish my goals I must first complete my education.